My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
