the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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