I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
