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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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