I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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