if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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