i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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