dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
