If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
