Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
