My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
