i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
