Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
