I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
