A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
