Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
