I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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