I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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