Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I would fuck him just for his dog
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
