why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
