You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
