Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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