I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
