I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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