It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize