after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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