I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
