Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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