why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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