We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
