If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
