if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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