dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
