I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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