your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
