is your mom at the bar?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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