I wish I could teleport
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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