He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize