Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
