i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
