Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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