I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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