Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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