But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
