I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
