actually, I'm a sock model
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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