This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
