omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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