He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
