I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
