Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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