i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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