I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
