Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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