im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
