If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
