does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
