This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
