I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
