Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
