I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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