her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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